Relationship Rules of Engagement
This couple could use some rules when fighting
10 Relationship Rules of Engagement to help your relationship to survive a disagreement
Why Do We Need Rules?
The military, the police, professional boxers, and martial artists, all must adhere to rules of engagement in their respective zones of conflict. These rules define what the acceptable use of force is.
If the military used nuclear weapons every time they wanted to achieve success, ultimately no one would survive. Similarly, you can’t “go nuclear” on your partner during a fight if you want the relationship to survive.
Rules of engagement are important in your relationship to create a sense of safety. When you know that no matter how heated your argument gets, your partner will not throw the meanest words or nearest object at you, you can engage with trust.
What Are the Rules?
In my book, Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less, I explain why we fight, how it happens and what to do about it. Right here and now my objective is to give you a specific set of rules that you and your partner can agree on, as a goal for your relationship.
It is true that how you and your partner treat and respond to each other will dictate much of how it feels to be in the relationship. It is equally true that how you treat and respond to each other during an argument will have a lot to do with your relationship’s long term success.
The following rules will help create the trust that is the foundation of a safe environment in which to disagree. They are written as promises you can make to each other.
The 10 Relationship Rules of Engagement
1. I will not raise my voice
2. I will not interrupt or talk over you
3. I will not criticize or call you a mean name
4. I will not issue an ultimatum in the heat of a fight
5. I will not blame you for my own behavior or reactions
6. I will not walk away before agreeing on when I will talk again
7. I will not threaten to leave, separate or divorce when I am upset
8. I will take ownership for the hurt I contribute to and apologize
9. I will work to avoid being defensive or justify my actions
10. I agree to keep the discussion focused on the topic issue
Solve the Sex vs. Intimacy Puzzle
It might be stereotypical to suggest that women push for intimacy and men push for sex. Yet, there is some truth behind this. In romantic relationships, there is a pull and push dance that happens between intimacy and sex. To understand how this plays out in a relationship, let’s first let’s define what intimacy is.
Intimacy is . . .
- Emotional – sharing thoughts and feelings (aka vulnerability) and receiving empathy
- Physical – reaching for the other for closeness and reassurance, not to initiate sex
- Sexual – Yes, that means actual sex (as defined by each partner)
Men and Women Define Intimacy Differently
While I’m referring to the stereotypical male/female roles here, note that any gender could play either role. However, for the most part, women want and need an emotional connection with their partner to feel loved and secure. When they feel emotionally connected and safe enough, they will want physical closeness. When all that’s flowing, sex is a natural progression because of a desire for an even deeper closeness.
Men? Well, most men struggle to talk about their feelings. Hugs, hand holding, snuggles, and cuddles aren’t always easy to ask for or comfortable to do. Yet, men know how to ask for sex! When a man receives sex from their partner, they get a huge whopping dose of acceptance. Ah, good. This means everything is okay! Right? No. Herein lies the problem.
The Cycle of Neglect and Rejection
If she doesn’t feel emotionally connected, she will rebuff the man’s attempts to initiate sex. Why? She does not want to communicate that everything is okay! She’ll reject the kiss, avoid closeness, and be emotionally prickly – all attempting to communicate that everything is not okay. Most men do not cultivate the emotional safety and connection that women need in order to either want sex or want to give sex to them.
What happens next? The man feels rejected, pulls away and doesn’t cultivate emotional connection (and thus emotional safety). She feels ignored or abandoned and therefore hurt. Then when his libido builds and he attempts to initiate sex again, because he has been distant instead of focusing on connection, guess what happens? He’ll get rejected again! She’ll then trust his efforts to connect less and less.
This neglect and reject pattern quickly creates resentment in each partner and needs addressing.
How to Solve the Sex vs. Intimacy Puzzle
If sex is a problem in your relationship, start working to ensure the emotional connection is secure. Learn to share your thoughts and feelings. Learn to be an empathetic listener – empathy is the ‘magic lube’ of relationships! Be a kind and attentive partner. Be a devoted partner. This may not fix everything and it won’t be a fast fix. However, I’m sure if you do this, you’ll be in a far better place to work on the physical closeness and sex in your relationship.
Marlon Familton, MA LMHC is a relationship counselor working to help couples navigate the choppy waters of love and romance. Author of the book, “Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less!”
Contact Marlon at Bellevue Family Counseling in Bellevue, Washington.
Learn More
Healthy Boundaries = Healthy Relationships
Are you experiencing a hurt that won’t stop? Do you believe you don’t have a voice in your relationship? Do you feel it’s always your fault? One reason might be that you haven’t set healthy boundaries for yourself and your partner.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Boundaries are what you are happy to allow for yourself or around you – or not. Ideally, these begin as requests.
Would you please drive slower with me in the car?”
“Please don’t raise your voice.”
When the other person complies with your request, the problem is solved. However, what if the request isn’t met with compliance or collaboration? It might be time to set a boundary.
How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries in Relationships?
When you set a healthy boundary, it should come across as neither a threat nor an ultimatum. A threat or ultimatum is a challenge – a challenge for control – that will usually fail because there is a low probability of follow through, and everyone knows it. These are threats or ultimatums:
If you keep driving so fast, I’m never going with you in the car again.”
“If you don’t stop yelling at me, I’m never going to talk to you.”
A boundary is a request for change or compliance and a statement about how you will care for yourself if the other person doesn’t respect or comply with your request.
If you want to drive this fast, I’m going to drive myself next time.”
“If you want to continue raising your voice, I’m going to go for a walk.”
In both cases, you haven’t demanded or threatened, you’ve emphasized the other is free! You have also reminded them, that you too have freedom and are willing to exercise it.
When Boundary Setting Doesn’t Work
When the other person doesn’t respect your request or boundary you must follow through with taking care of yourself. If you don’t, your efforts to set boundaries will fail and nothing will change. If you ask them to drive slower and they don’t (the request). Then, state that if they prefer to drive in a manner that leaves you feeling uncomfortable, that you’re going to stay home or drive yourself next time (the boundary). If they continue to drive in an uncomfortable manner, next time you have to drive yourself or stay home.
If you ask them to lower their voice, and they don’t. Next, you let them know you won’t continue talking if they prefer to raise their voice. If neither works, you’ll have to step out and stop engaging. You want them to think, Oh, I better not raise my voice of they won’t stay and talk. You want them to manage their own behavior in a respectful way. This is very different than you demanding they stop yelling.
You want others to respect you and respect your word. To get this, they must know you’ll follow through. The follow through is what teaches others to be respectful and value your words.
This does mean that you will lose something too. You won’t be sharing the ride, or perhaps home or it means not engaging in the conversation. However, in doing so you’re also making a choice not to be impacted by the other’s behavior – taking care of yourself. This teaches others that if they want your presences and participation, they have got to be respectful of what you want and need.
Boundaries as a Form of Self-Care
Boundaries do require some self-love. You must care about yourself enough to act. If it is hard to stand up for yourself or express your needs and wants, this is related to your self-concept – which is a different topic and very valuable work to do, something we often do in therapy.
For now, think about where you’re not setting firm boundaries and how that contributes to distance in your relationship. Being close requires boundaries. Boundaries keep the relationship safe!
————————————————
Marlon Familton, MA LMHC is a relationship counselor working to help couples navigate the choppy waters of love and romance. Author of the book, “Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less!”
Contact Marlon at Bellevue Family Counseling in Bellevue, Washington.
Learn More