The Upside to Feeling Down
The Upside to Feeling Down
We have all heard the expressions: “Good Vibes Only”, “Think Positive”, and “Be Happy”. It was refreshing to read the recent blog posted by S. Wall that brought to our attention the toxicity of always seeking positivity.
As a therapist, I have long believed that suffering, loss, and pain are not feelings simply to be medicated or avoided. Instead, we can strive to process and absorb them. Despite the messages we may receive, it is important to experience your painful feelings. Feeling sorrow, fear, and grief at times is not only normal and okay, but necessary to experience, so they can be released. The full spectrum of emotions must be felt; it is virtually impossible to embrace elation without knowing disappointment—a titular paradox that there is no happiness without sadness.
Melancholy is a species of sadness that arises when one is open to the fact that life can be inherently challenging, and that suffering and disappointment are core parts of universal experience. Feeling down at times is not a disorder that needs to be cured.
Modern society tends to emphasize buoyancy and cheerfulness, but we must admit that reality is in part about pain and loss. The good life is not one immune to sadness, but one in which this emotion contributes to our development and growth.
As humans we were born with the ability to feel the whole range of our emotions from elation to despair. Figuring out how to do this in a healthy way is an important part of growing into a mature adult. How do we deal with both melancholy and joy? How do we straddle these in a way that feels genuine and true to ourselves?
Although this journey is not always paved with ease, there is a round map. We can follow a guide to help us identify and walk through these feelings in a way that is both productive and nurturing.
The first step in experiencing painful feelings is to notice what is going on inside of you. Identify what it is you are feeling by naming it and locating where it resides in your body. Ask yourself directly: “Is it disappointment, grief, fear, loneliness, rejection, shame, or another feeling?” Brene Brown, in her most recent book, reminds us that there are 88 human emotions, and the name we give to them dictates how they are interpreted physiologically and mentally. Our bodies react differently if we term our state stress or overwhelmed; being precise in this diction is key. If it is fear you identify, notice what other feelings are underneath that fear. Do you feel lonely or abandoned? Pay attention to what is going on inside your body. Are there areas of tension, pain, or other sensations? These sensations are where the feelings live in your body.
The next step is to find a safe way to express the feelings. Healthy ways to release your feelings are by:
- Talk about your feelings with a trusted friend or therapist
- Use self-dialogue that is compassionate
- Recognize your triggers: People, situations, and places often hold strong associations. If you find yourself feeling emotionally blocked when it comes to certain triggers, it may be worth avoiding them when possible.
- Limit your distractions: Cell phones, television, music, or video games hold many people’s attention hostage. Once you turn off the noise, you will be better able to tap into your inner feelings and express them outward.
- Write in the form of journaling or poetry: Regardless of your skills, writing is an effective way to express emotions and communicate with others.
- Practice Acceptance: Try to accept those aspects of your life that are out of your control. Doing so will make you feel better while freeing up your mind to become more emotionally expressive.
- Be Grateful
- Explore a novel interest: Getting out of your comfort zone often leads to greater emotional expression and wellbeing.
Hiding your emotions limits the honesty of your communication. Being in touch with yourself allows you to be in better touch with others. Hold the space for the full spectrum of feelings.
Written by Francine Baffa, LICSW, BCBA-D
Edited by Joe DeNoon
As posted at Operation Happy Nurse
If you want to keep your relationship, you must treat it and your partner as though they can choose to be in the relationship or not.
Treat your relationship like a choice
Are relationships unconditional or a choice?
treat relationships as a choice
Does the word “divorce” not exist in your vocabulary? If this is true for you and your partner, awesome!
Unfortunately, when one or both partners hold the belief that the other will never leave, this invites complacency or even neglect into the marriage. Life gets busy, so if the belief is that, the motivation to respond to them will get dropped lower on your list of priorities. It seems okay because your partner won’t leave no matter what, right?
No, that’s not right.
There are plenty of couples, including many who never ever believed it would happen to them, who do split up. A funny thing happens though. Those who do break up or divorce and enter a new relationship, marriage or otherwise, now know that relationships are a choice. They must be treated as a choice. This can be a game-changer.
Honestly, though, it doesn’t matter if you believe marriage is an unbreakable commitment or not. What does matter is this:
If you want to keep your relationship, you must treat it and your partner as though they can choose to be in the relationship or not.
Figure out what creates a hurt
To help your partner keep choosing to be with you, you will need to figure out two things. Firstly, what is it that hurts them? What are the hurts they experience that force them to think about choosing not to be with you? Once you zero in on one or two things, then stop. Just stop doing the things that hurt your partner.
If you need help figuring out what hurts your partner, you can certainly go ask – by all means! They will probably welcome your curiosity as it will help your partner feel like they matter enough for you to ask. However, I have a feeling you already know what they will say.
Just Stop
Does it hurt when you criticize your partner? Stop criticizing! Learn to express your needs without criticism. If you need help with this, Step 4 and 5 in my book, Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less! discusses criticism and hurtful communication and how to change it.
Does it hurt your partner when you are dismissive? Stop being dismissive. Learn to validate and empathize; learn to be compassionate to how your partner feels. Whatever it is that hurts them, stop. You can’t hurt your partner and then expect them to want to be close.
What creates a connection?
The next step is to figure out what you can do that builds a connection. You have to work on cultivating the connection between you if you want it to be strong. This takes intention and effort, not just being in the same room watching television.
Remember, love is a verb, so let’s get you loving! If they value time with you, make some time. If they value being snuggled, then get snuggly. If they like it when you cook dinner or clean the bathroom, get started! If they value these things and you do them, they will feel grateful and more motivated to meet your needs, which will help you continue to make the choice too.
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