Going through a breakup is never easy – even if you were the one who initiated it.
The first step is working to disconnect emotionally from the relationship. This will help you be more emotionally available to date. The loss of the other relationship is going to involve grief to work through. Forget about the old, “just let it go”. Recovery involves accepting whatever loss there is and finding an area of personal growth to embrace. These will help you make a good next choice. This process can be very therapeutic.
Then, take your time to think about how you contributed to the relationship not working. This is your learning to not carry forward. For sure, also think about how the relationship made you a better person.
When To Start Dating Again
When you start thinking you’re ready to jump back into the dating pool, consider the following questions. You may be ready in a week, a month, or a year. It is completely up to you. You may not know the answer right now, and that’s okay! Take your time, this is a process.
How Does The Thought of Going On a Date Make You Feel?
It’s very normal to feel nervous before going on a first date. But there are two types of nerves:
There are excited nerves that often feel like butterflies – which is generally a good sign.
There are anxious nerves too, which may be a sign you’re not quite ready. If the thought of going on a date makes you feel uneasy, your body might be telling you, you’re not ready yet, or the person isn’t right.
Ironically the body sensations of anxiety and excitement are very close! Take time to be clear about which one you are actually experiencing.
Why Am I Going On This Date?
That void you feel after a breakup can be quite painful. It is helpful to engage in solo activities and do things you love. This can help you find your independent self and be in a position where you want someone versus needing them. Get back into older hobbies, discover new ones, or spend time with friends and family.
If you are going on a date because you genuinely want to get to know a person, that’s great!
If you are going on a date because you feel obligated, you may not be ready.
Are You Looking For Validation?
Relationships deliver comfort, connection, belongingness, and support. It’s normal for our partner to feel like our other half.
Once that honeymoon ends, it’s common to believe you need to date someone else in order to feel attractive. If you’re only looking to date to get validation, you may not be ready to open your heart to someone.
Take time to understand your thoughts and feelings. Getting clear about yourself and what you want or need will help you make better decisions when you work to pick a new partner worthy of you!Learn More
10 Relationship Rules of Engagement to help your relationship to survive a disagreement
Why Do We Need Rules?
The military, the police, professional boxers, and martial artists, all must adhere to rules of engagement in their respective zones of conflict. These rules define what the acceptable use of force is.
If the military used nuclear weapons every time they wanted to achieve success, ultimately no one would survive. Similarly, you can’t “go nuclear” on your partner during a fight if you want the relationship to survive.
Rules of engagement are important in your relationship to create a sense of safety. When you know that no matter how heated your argument gets, your partner will not throw the meanest words or nearest object at you, you can engage with trust.
What Are the Rules?
In my book, Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less, I explain why we fight, how it happens and what to do about it. Right here and now my objective is to give you a specific set of rules that you and your partner can agree on, as a goal for your relationship.
It is true that how you and your partner treat and respond to each other will dictate much of how it feels to be in the relationship. It is equally true that how you treat and respond to each other during an argument will have a lot to do with your relationship’s long term success.
The following rules will help create the trust that is the foundation of a safe environment in which to disagree. They are written as promises you can make to each other.
The 10 Relationship Rules of Engagement
1. I will not raise my voice
2. I will not interrupt or talk over you
3. I will not criticize or call you a mean name
4. I will not issue an ultimatum in the heat of a fight
5. I will not blame you for my own behavior or reactions
6. I will not walk away before agreeing on when I will talk again
7. I will not threaten to leave, separate or divorce when I am upset
8. I will take ownership for the hurt I contribute to and apologize
9. I will work to avoid being defensive or justify my actions
10. I agree to keep the discussion focused on the topic issue