Relationships

Neurodiversity & Your Relationship

Neurodiversity

Neurodiversity refers to neurological differences, such as autism, ADHD, and other neurodevelopmental conditions, that are natural variations of the human brain. These differences are not disorders or deficits, but rather unique ways of thinking, perceiving, and experiencing the world. Neurodiversity promotes acceptance, understanding, and inclusion of individuals with diverse neurological profiles.

How Neurodiversity Impacts Relationships

Neurodiversity can have a significant impact on relationships, both romantic and non-romantic. Understanding and navigating these impacts is crucial for building strong and healthy connections. Here are some ways neurodiversity can affect relationships:

• Communication Differences: Neurodivergent individuals may have challenges in understanding and expressing emotions, social cues, and nonverbal communication. This can lead to misunderstandings and difficulties in effectively communicating needs and feelings.
• Sensory Sensitivities: Many neurodivergent individuals have heightened sensory sensitivities, such as being sensitive to loud noises, bright lights, or certain textures. These sensitivities can impact shared activities and environments, requiring accommodation and understanding from both partners.
• Executive Functioning: Difficulties with executive functioning, such as organization, time management, and planning, can affect daily routines and responsibilities within a relationship. This may require additional support and strategies to ensure a balanced partnership.
• Emotional Regulation: Neurodivergent individuals may experience challenges in regulating emotions, leading to intense emotional reactions or difficulties in expressing emotions. This can impact conflict resolution and emotional intimacy within the relationship.

What You Can Do

If you or your partner are neurodivergent, there are steps you can take to navigate the challenges and foster a healthy relationship:

1. Education and Awareness: Learn about neurodiversity and the specific neurodivergent condition(s) involved. Understanding each other’s strengths, challenges, and unique perspectives can foster empathy and acceptance.

2. Open Communication: Establish open and honest communication channels. Discuss your needs, preferences, and boundaries with each other. Find effective ways to express emotions and resolve conflicts.

3. Accommodations and Support: Identify and implement accommodations that can support both partners. This may include creating sensory-friendly environments, using visual aids for communication, or utilizing organizational tools for daily routines.

4. Seeking Professional Help: Consider seeking counseling or therapy from professionals experienced in working with neurodiverse relationships. They can provide guidance, strategies, and support tailored to your specific needs.

How Counseling Can Help

Counseling can be a valuable resource for neurodiverse individuals and couples. Here’s how counseling can assist:

• Understanding and Validation: Counseling provides a safe space to explore and understand the impact of neurodiversity on relationships. It offers validation for the challenges faced and helps individuals and couples navigate their unique dynamics.
• Communication Skills: Therapists can teach effective communication strategies, including active listening, empathy, and assertiveness. These skills can enhance understanding and connection within the relationship.
• Conflict Resolution: Counseling can help couples develop healthy conflict resolution techniques that consider the unique needs and communication styles of neurodivergent individuals. This promotes constructive problem-solving and reduces misunderstandings.
• Building Coping Strategies: Therapists can assist in developing coping strategies for managing stress, sensory sensitivities, and emotional regulation. These strategies can improve overall well-being and relationship satisfaction.

Remember, every relationship is unique, and the impact of neurodiversity will vary. It’s essential to approach relationships with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to learn and grow together. With open communication, support, and professional guidance, neurodiverse relationships can thrive and foster deep connections.

Dr. Francine Baffa at Bellevue Family Counseling specializes in Neurodiverse relationships.

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Staying True To Yourself in a Relationship

Sometimes when you’re in a relationship, you can start to forget who you really are. These 4 tips can help you stay true to yourself.

Have Personal Time:

Just because you live with your partner does not mean you have to be together all the time. It’s not healthy to be around one person 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Having alone time can help keep the spark alive and allow you and your partner to miss one another.

Keep Up With Your Hobbies:

It’s common for couples to have similar interests and hobbies. At the same time, you can’t let your partner’s hobbies stop you from participating in your own.

Spending your afternoon finishing a painting or reading a story doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with your partner.  It just means you have other interests, and that’s okay!

Be Honest:

When you’re in a relationship, it’s very important, to be honest with yourself and your partner. Here’s an example. Let’s say your partner asks you to move in, but you don’t think you’re ready. Don’t put off telling them how you feel. Even if you think the news may upset them, you have to be honest.  This helps you continually adjust the relationship to keep it running well.

Say No:

Loving your partner doesn’t mean you have to do everything they want to do.  It is completely okay for partners to disagree and have different ideas. If your partner ever asks you to do something you aren’t comfortable with, don’t be afraid to tell them. They will never know how you feel unless you’re honest.

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When To Start Dating After a Breakup

Going through a breakup is never easy – even if you were the one who initiated it. 

The first step is working to disconnect emotionally from the relationship. This will help you be more emotionally available to date. The loss of the other relationship is going to involve grief to work through. Forget about the old, “just let it go”. Recovery involves accepting whatever loss there is and finding an area of personal growth to embrace. These will help you make a good next choice.  This process can be very therapeutic. 

Then, take your time to think about how you contributed to the relationship not working.  This is your learning to not carry forward.  For sure, also think about how the relationship made you a better person.

When To Start Dating Again

When you start thinking you’re ready to jump back into the dating pool, consider the following questions. You may be ready in a week, a month, or a year. It is completely up to you. You may not know the answer right now, and that’s okay! Take your time, this is a process. 

How Does The Thought of Going On a Date Make You Feel?

It’s very normal to feel nervous before going on a first date. But there are two types of nerves:

There are excited nerves that often feel like butterflies – which is generally a good sign. 

There are anxious nerves too, which may be a sign you’re not quite ready. If the thought of going on a date makes you feel uneasy, your body might be telling you, you’re not ready yet, or the person isn’t right. 

Ironically the body sensations of anxiety and excitement are very close! Take time to be clear about which one you are actually experiencing.

Why Am I Going On This Date?

That void you feel after a breakup can be quite painful. It is helpful to engage in solo activities and do things you love. This can help you find your independent self and be in a position where you want someone versus needing them. Get back into older hobbies, discover new ones, or spend time with friends and family. 

If you are going on a date because you genuinely want to get to know a person, that’s great!

If you are going on a date because you feel obligated, you may not be ready. 

Are You Looking For Validation?

Relationships deliver comfort, connection, belongingness, and support. It’s normal for our partner to feel like our other half.

Once that honeymoon ends, it’s common to believe you need to date someone else in order to feel attractive. If you’re only looking to date to get validation, you may not be ready to open your heart to someone.

Take time to understand your thoughts and feelings.  Getting clear about yourself and what you want or need will help you make better decisions when you work to pick a new partner worthy of you!

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Money and Fairness

Is there a money imbalance in your relationship?

Money is power. In relationships when one person makes more and the other person feels “less than”, the money dynamic can create resentment, a sense of being controlled, and for sure disconnection.

Money and time as equal resources

In a relationship, it is important that both partners feel as though each is giving equal energy to the relationship. Consider that money and time are finite resources. Both are deposited into the pool of resources for the benefit of the partnership. One of you invests time to make money while the other might invest time to manage the household – time the other cannot spare because they are making money. When one person makes more money, the other often balances that by doing more household chores, which is time invested. If discussed and agreed upon, this can work.

The danger occurs when responsibilities grow, or perhaps children arrive. Then what do you do? One of you will be home with two wild kids all day, working to keep them alive and the house in one piece. The other working all day. The obvious way to manage this is to continually discuss and agree to divide responsibilities so that it works for both of you. Then continually check in with each other to ensure the feeling of fairness continues. Communication by checking in with each other to ensure both are okay.

All this will go south, if the breadwinner arrives home and says, “No I won’t help with your housework or the kids. That’s your job. My job is to bring home the money. Gotta go, my show is on.” In a partnership, both parties continually adjust to ensure both are okay.

Spending money

If you want to be a partnership share the pain and share the spoils. When it comes to how you prioritize your spending, do this together. You must make decisions together. This means being on the same raft in the same ocean heading in the same direction.
Because money is a resource that both partners need access to, it must be shared. If one of you limits or prevents access, the other will feel controlled. If this happens and one of you feels unfairly treated, the trajectory will not be good unless things change. Time for Some Action.

Take Action

1. Make sure each of you has equal and fair access.
2. Decide how much you can each spend without checking with the other.
3. Decide how much each gets as a weekly or monthly allowance. This is money they do
   not need to track or justify how it is spent.

If your relationship is struggling over disagreements around money, think about ways you can collaborate and be flexible. Make offers to your partner to create more balance or fairness and see what they think and feel.

Gather Information

It is always important to get feedback in your relationship. You can also invite your partner into a conversation. “I want to know if you feel as though I treat you fairly with regards to money and finances?” If they agree you do, then follow up with, “What do I do that helps you feel this way?” If they share that they do not feel this way ask, “Where do I need to work harder, so you feel more fairness?” In the end, only thank them and promise you will reflect on what you have learned and figure out how to be better.

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Relationship Rules of Engagement

10 Relationship Rules of Engagement to help your relationship to survive a disagreement

Why Do We Need Rules?

The military, the police, professional boxers, and martial artists, all must adhere to rules of engagement in their respective zones of conflict. These rules define what the acceptable use of force is.

If the military used nuclear weapons every time they wanted to achieve success, ultimately no one would survive. Similarly, you can’t “go nuclear” on your partner during a fight if you want the relationship to survive.

Rules of engagement are important in your relationship to create a sense of safety. When you know that no matter how heated your argument gets, your partner will not throw the meanest words or nearest object at you, you can engage with trust.

What Are the Rules?

In my book, Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less, I explain why we fight, how it happens and what to do about it. Right here and now my objective is to give you a specific set of rules that you and your partner can agree on, as a goal for your relationship.

It is true that how you and your partner treat and respond to each other will dictate much of how it feels to be in the relationship. It is equally true that how you treat and respond to each other during an argument will have a lot to do with your relationship’s long term success.

The following rules will help create the trust that is the foundation of a safe environment in which to disagree.  They are written as promises you can make to each other.

The 10 Relationship Rules of Engagement

1. I will not raise my voice
2. I will not interrupt or talk over you
3. I will not criticize or call you a mean name
4. I will not issue an ultimatum in the heat of a fight
5. I will not blame you for my own behavior or reactions
6. I will not walk away before agreeing on when I will talk again
7. I will not threaten to leave, separate or divorce when I am upset
8. I will take ownership for the hurt I contribute to and apologize
9. I will work to avoid being defensive or justify my actions
10. I agree to keep the discussion focused on the topic issue

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Solve the Sex vs. Intimacy Puzzle

It might be stereotypical to suggest that women push for intimacy and men push for sex. Yet, there is some truth behind this. In romantic relationships, there is a pull and push dance that happens between intimacy and sex. To understand how this plays out in a relationship, let’s first let’s define what intimacy is.

Intimacy is . . .

1. Emotional – sharing thoughts and feelings (aka vulnerability) and receiving empathy
2. Physical – reaching for the other for closeness and reassurance, not to initiate sex
3. Sexual – Yes, that means actual sex (as defined by each partner)

Men and Women Define Intimacy Differently

While I’m referring to the stereotypical male/female roles here, note that any gender could play either role. However, for the most part, women want and need an emotional connection with their partner to feel loved and secure. When they feel emotionally connected and safe enough, they will want physical closeness. When all that’s flowing, sex is a natural progression because of a desire for an even deeper closeness.

Men? Well, most men struggle to talk about their feelings. Hugs, hand holding, snuggles, and cuddles aren’t always easy to ask for or comfortable to do. Yet, men know how to ask for sex! When a man receives sex from their partner, they get a huge whopping dose of acceptance. Ah, good. This means everything is okay! Right? No. Herein lies the problem.

The Cycle of Neglect and Rejection

If she doesn’t feel emotionally connected, she will rebuff the man’s attempts to initiate sex. Why? She does not want to communicate that everything is okay! She’ll reject the kiss, avoid closeness, and be emotionally prickly – all attempting to communicate that everything is not okay. Most men do not cultivate the emotional safety and connection that women need in order to either want sex or want to give sex to them.

What happens next? The man feels rejected, pulls away and doesn’t cultivate emotional connection (and thus emotional safety). She feels ignored or abandoned and therefore hurt. Then when his libido builds and he attempts to initiate sex again, because he has been distant instead of focusing on connection, guess what happens? He’ll get rejected again!  She’ll then trust his efforts to connect less and less.

This neglect and reject pattern quickly creates resentment in each partner and needs addressing.

How to Solve the Sex vs. Intimacy Puzzle

If sex is a problem in your relationship, start working to ensure the emotional connection is secure. Learn to share your thoughts and feelings. Learn to be an empathetic listener  – empathy is the ‘magic lube’ of relationships! Be a kind and attentive partner. Be a devoted partner. This may not fix everything and it won’t be a fast fix. However, I’m sure if you do this, you’ll be in a far better place to work on the physical closeness and sex in your relationship.

 

Marlon Familton, MA LMHC is a relationship counselor working to help couples navigate the choppy waters of love and romance. Author of the book, “Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less!”

Contact Marlon at Bellevue Family Counseling in Bellevue, Washington.

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Resentment is Poison – Fix it Now

Resentment is a highly toxic poison that will kill your relationship if you don’t find a way to release it. When you feel unfairly treated, you’ll become angry. When anger is mixed with a sense of betrayal, you’ll feel resentment.

How Resentment Builds

It’s easy to understand how resentment can occur in a relationship after an event like infidelity. Resentment can also grow over time when your partner is unresponsive to you. Being rejected over and over, ignored over and over, or criticized over and over – these actions break the trust you thought you had. They key trust in any relationship is: you won’t hurt me on purpose. You’ll have my back.

If you’re feeling resentful, you’re also hurt, angry and don’t trust your partner. Your brain will start working to solve the problem because it doesn’t want you to be alone. Unfortunately, no choice seems to lead to happiness. A part of you may want to leave the relationship because I don’t deserve to be treated this way and I can do better. Another part probably wants to kick them out so they will feel the hurt too. There’s likely a part of you probably doesn’t want to leave because of the commitment you made. Still, yet another part of you doesn’t want to act in a way that is retaliatory because that’s not who you are. You’re hurt and you’re stuck!

The Best Way to Release Resentment

The best way through resentment is to be able to express your hurt and upset-ness with your partner. This means they must be able to listen, be empathetic, own their part, feel bad for that part and hurt they contributed to (or caused) and make a commitment to change that will put the rules of love and security back in place. If they can do this, you’ll start to believe they care about how you feel. When you feel understood, when they can own their part, you can start to believe they won’t hurt you again.

This is a tricky part because if when you express your true thoughts and feelings they become defensive, dismissive, blaming or move into their own guilt and shame, you won’t leave the conversation feeling understood and therefore better. The ability to put one’s own feelings aside to be compassionate with the other and take ownership for one’s contribution are key attributes of a strong relationship. You’ll think, if they don’t understand, they might hurt me again. You won’t be able to let the resentment go.

If Your Partner Won’t Understand, What Can You Do?

If you must deal with it alone because your partner can’t or won’t be compassionate, one way to work on resentment is by setting boundaries. You may need to make changes to the rules of your relationship or even make structural changes to your routine. You’ll need to figure out what you need to feel better and then go to your partner and let them know what you need to be okay again. Perhaps you need to take over all the finances, or perhaps you need a night out for “me” time. Whatever it is, what do you need to put trust and fairness back in place? Then with follow through comes trust, one bite at a time.

You Can Choose

Another way to work through resentment on your own is through brute force. Choose to take your power back by choosing to own your choice. When you accept a situation because you choose to in some way, you can feel better about the situation because you’re not powerless.

Make a decision by finishing the sentence, “I choose to _______________. “ “I choose to stay in this relationship because I love my partner and want to make it work.” Now you are making an empowered choice. Own that choice and don’t blame your partner for your own choices.

Resentment has the toxic potential to unwind your relationship because it blocks partners from moving toward each other to repair deep hurts. Many couples who come into counseling find they waited too long. Don’t let this be you! If you or your partner is resentful and can’t work through it together or alone, find a good counselor to help.

Working through this can be hard, and it is critical to your relationship’s long-term health, happiness and security.

 

Marlon Familton, MA LMHC is a relationship counselor working to help couples navigate the choppy waters of love and romance.

Author of the book, “Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less!”

Contact Marlon at Bellevue Family Counseling in Bellevue, Washington.

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Healthy Boundaries = Healthy Relationships

Are you experiencing a hurt that won’t stop? Do you believe you don’t have a voice in your relationship? Do you feel it’s always your fault? One reason might be that you haven’t set healthy boundaries for yourself and your partner.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries are what you are happy to allow for yourself or around you – or not. Ideally, these begin as requests.

Would you please drive slower with me in the car?”

“Please don’t raise your voice.”

When the other person complies with your request, the problem is solved.  However, what if the request isn’t met with compliance or collaboration?  It might be time to set a boundary.

How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries in Relationships?

When you set a healthy boundary, it should come across as neither a threat nor an ultimatum.  A threat or ultimatum is a challenge – a challenge for control – that will usually fail because there is a low probability of follow through, and everyone knows it.  These are threats or ultimatums:

If you keep driving so fast, I’m never going with you in the car again.”

“If you don’t stop yelling at me, I’m never going to talk to you.”

A boundary is a request for change or compliance and a statement about how you will care for yourself if the other person doesn’t respect or comply with your request.

If you want to drive this fast, I’m going to drive myself next time.”

“If you want to continue raising your voice, I’m going to go for a walk.”

In both cases, you haven’t demanded or threatened, you’ve emphasized the other is free!  You have also reminded them, that you too have freedom and are willing to exercise it.

When Boundary Setting Doesn’t Work

When the other person doesn’t respect your request or boundary you must follow through with taking care of yourself.  If you don’t, your efforts to set boundaries will fail and nothing will change.  If you ask them to drive slower and they don’t (the request).  Then, state that if they prefer to drive in a manner that leaves you feeling uncomfortable, that you’re going to stay home or drive yourself next time (the boundary). If they continue to drive in an uncomfortable manner, next time you have to drive yourself or stay home.

If you ask them to lower their voice, and they don’t.  Next, you let them know you won’t continue talking if they prefer to raise their voice.  If neither works, you’ll have to step out and stop engaging.  You want them to think, Oh, I better not raise my voice of they won’t stay and talk.  You want them to manage their own behavior in a respectful way. This is very different than you demanding they stop yelling.

You want others to respect you and respect your word.  To get this, they must know you’ll follow through.  The follow through is what teaches others to be respectful and value your words.

This does mean that you will lose something too.  You won’t be sharing the ride, or perhaps home or it means not engaging in the conversation. However, in doing so you’re also making a choice not to be impacted by the other’s behavior – taking care of yourself. This teaches others that if they want your presences and participation, they have got to be respectful of what you want and need.

Boundaries as a Form of Self-Care

Boundaries do require some self-love. You must care about yourself enough to act. If it is hard to stand up for yourself or express your needs and wants, this is related to your self-concept – which is a different topic and very valuable work to do, something we often do in therapy.

For now, think about where you’re not setting firm boundaries and how that contributes to distance in your relationship. Being close requires boundaries. Boundaries keep the relationship safe!

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Marlon Familton, MA LMHC is a relationship counselor working to help couples navigate the choppy waters of love and romance. Author of the book, “Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less!”

Contact Marlon at Bellevue Family Counseling in Bellevue, Washington.

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Do You Flirt with your partner?

Want to increase your relationship intimacy?

Ask, when is the last time you flirted with your partner?

Remember the honeymoon phase when you looked into each other’s eyes, shared vulnerable things about yourself, touched, kissed, and were intimate?  If you want to increase your intimacy? It’s time to flirt with your partner! Flirting is part of the process that communicated I want you!

What happened to your relationship?

Life is busy, so at some point, you probably took your foot off the gas pedal and began to cruise.  As a result, the little things that made your relationship extra special, such as flirting, probably stopped.

“I’m too busy!” is the mantra of our times. That’s a mistake. Time to get your mojo back!

What is flirting?

According to the Google dictionary, flirting is defined as “to behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone.” The rest is interesting, “…but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.”

Since we’re talking about flirting with your romantic partner, forget that last part. Focus on things that are about behaving as though you’re trying to attract your partner, and you’ll do okay.  This is about increasing your intimacy and communicating  I want you.

I know, you’re thinking, but I don’t know how to flirt? I just did a web search for “how do I flirt with my spouse” and received 2.7 million hits in 0.72 seconds.

So, “I don’t know how” doesn’t work in the age of the internet.

How to flirt with your partner

Here’s the short course on how to start flirting again:

1. Do it out-of-the-blue
2. Leave a note or send a text
3. Compliment them personally
4. Touch them non-sexually – be loving
5. Touch them sexually suggestive – if appropriate
6. Look into their eyes and say something about how much you desire them

In my book, Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less! I break fixing relationships into two parts. 1. Stop hurting each other. 2. Start connecting. If you work on this list, you’ll be on your way to keeping the honeymoon phase going forever.

Marlon Familton, MA LMHC is a relationship counselor working to help couples navigate the choppy waters of love and romance. Author of the book, “Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less!”

Contact Marlon at Bellevue Family Counseling in Bellevue Washington.

Learn More