Healthy Boundaries = Healthy Relationships
Are you experiencing a hurt that won’t stop? Do you believe you don’t have a voice in your relationship? Do you feel it’s always your fault? One reason might be that you haven’t set healthy boundaries for yourself and your partner.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Boundaries are what you are happy to allow for yourself or around you – or not. Ideally, these begin as requests.
Would you please drive slower with me in the car?”
“Please don’t raise your voice.”
When the other person complies with your request, the problem is solved. However, what if the request isn’t met with compliance or collaboration? It might be time to set a boundary.
How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries in Relationships?
When you set a healthy boundary, it should come across as neither a threat nor an ultimatum. A threat or ultimatum is a challenge – a challenge for control – that will usually fail because there is a low probability of follow through, and everyone knows it. These are threats or ultimatums:
If you keep driving so fast, I’m never going with you in the car again.”
“If you don’t stop yelling at me, I’m never going to talk to you.”
A boundary is a request for change or compliance and a statement about how you will care for yourself if the other person doesn’t respect or comply with your request.
If you want to drive this fast, I’m going to drive myself next time.”
“If you want to continue raising your voice, I’m going to go for a walk.”
In both cases, you haven’t demanded or threatened, you’ve emphasized the other is free! You have also reminded them, that you too have freedom and are willing to exercise it.
When Boundary Setting Doesn’t Work
When the other person doesn’t respect your request or boundary you must follow through with taking care of yourself. If you don’t, your efforts to set boundaries will fail and nothing will change. If you ask them to drive slower and they don’t (the request). Then, state that if they prefer to drive in a manner that leaves you feeling uncomfortable, that you’re going to stay home or drive yourself next time (the boundary). If they continue to drive in an uncomfortable manner, next time you have to drive yourself or stay home.
If you ask them to lower their voice, and they don’t. Next, you let them know you won’t continue talking if they prefer to raise their voice. If neither works, you’ll have to step out and stop engaging. You want them to think, Oh, I better not raise my voice of they won’t stay and talk. You want them to manage their own behavior in a respectful way. This is very different than you demanding they stop yelling.
You want others to respect you and respect your word. To get this, they must know you’ll follow through. The follow through is what teaches others to be respectful and value your words.
This does mean that you will lose something too. You won’t be sharing the ride, or perhaps home or it means not engaging in the conversation. However, in doing so you’re also making a choice not to be impacted by the other’s behavior – taking care of yourself. This teaches others that if they want your presences and participation, they have got to be respectful of what you want and need.
Boundaries as a Form of Self-Care
Boundaries do require some self-love. You must care about yourself enough to act. If it is hard to stand up for yourself or express your needs and wants, this is related to your self-concept – which is a different topic and very valuable work to do, something we often do in therapy.
For now, think about where you’re not setting firm boundaries and how that contributes to distance in your relationship. Being close requires boundaries. Boundaries keep the relationship safe!
————————————————
Marlon Familton, MA LMHC is a relationship counselor working to help couples navigate the choppy waters of love and romance. Author of the book, “Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less!”
Contact Marlon at Bellevue Family Counseling in Bellevue, Washington.
Learn More
Do You Flirt with your partner?
Want to increase your relationship intimacy?
Ask, when is the last time you flirted with your partner?
Remember the honeymoon phase when you looked into each other’s eyes, shared vulnerable things about yourself, touched, kissed, and were intimate? If you want to increase your intimacy? It’s time to flirt with your partner! Flirting is part of the process that communicated I want you!
What happened to your relationship?
Life is busy, so at some point, you probably took your foot off the gas pedal and began to cruise. As a result, the little things that made your relationship extra special, such as flirting, probably stopped.
“I’m too busy!” is the mantra of our times. That’s a mistake. Time to get your mojo back!
What is flirting?
According to the Google dictionary, flirting is defined as “to behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone.” The rest is interesting, “…but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.”
Since we’re talking about flirting with your romantic partner, forget that last part. Focus on things that are about behaving as though you’re trying to attract your partner, and you’ll do okay. This is about increasing your intimacy and communicating I want you.
I know, you’re thinking, but I don’t know how to flirt? I just did a web search for “how do I flirt with my spouse” and received 2.7 million hits in 0.72 seconds.
So, “I don’t know how” doesn’t work in the age of the internet.
How to flirt with your partner
Here’s the short course on how to start flirting again:
1. Do it out-of-the-blue
2. Leave a note or send a text
3. Compliment them personally
4. Touch them non-sexually – be loving
5. Touch them sexually suggestive – if appropriate
6. Look into their eyes and say something about how much you desire them
In my book, Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less! I break fixing relationships into two parts. 1. Stop hurting each other. 2. Start connecting. If you work on this list, you’ll be on your way to keeping the honeymoon phase going forever.
Marlon Familton, MA LMHC is a relationship counselor working to help couples navigate the choppy waters of love and romance. Author of the book, “Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less!”
Contact Marlon at Bellevue Family Counseling in Bellevue Washington.
Learn More
Don’t Ignore the Relationship Red Lights
“I’m unhappy in this relationship.”
“This isn’t working for me.”
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Expressions like these from your partner often come during an argument, so you might shrug them off as just words from someone who is upset. You might even think, “Well, I feel that way too.”
These are red flashing lights. Ignore them at your peril!
Unhappy Relationship
Statements that express unhappiness in the relationship like these express pain. They are about feeling hopeless, defeated, and done. When someone can’t get the love, intimacy, and connection in their relationship, if they cannot fulfill the need to be secure with their partner; they will be in pain.
If your partner sees the relationship and you as the source of that pain, they will begin to move away.
This pain will show up as a type of depression or grief, as they accept the relationship may be over. Once your partner moves into a state of detachment, it is often too late to reconnect.
What to do?
My advice: don’t wait!
If you’re hearing words of defeat and giving up, don’t let your relationship sit in that place for long. It might mean you have to learn new skills or re-prioritize the relationship over other things in your life.
Get a book, start reading online, take a seminar, talk to friends, see a relationship counselor. Do something now.
Irrespective of what you believe, you must treat your relationship or marriage as a voluntary choice. Help your partner continue to make the choice to stay in the relationship. Otherwise, you’ll become complacent, ignore the red flashing lights, and find yourself on one end of a breakup.
Marlon Familton, MA LMHC is a relationship counselor working to help couples navigate the choppy waters of love and romance. Author of the book, “Fix Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps or Less!”
Contact Marlon at Bellevue Family Counseling in Bellevue, Washington.
Learn More